Blunt Trauma
by Satan's Little Helper
Summary: RoyEd, with Al. Mostly humor and bickering. No spoilers. “Just let me finish the gargoyles,” Ed replied faintly, and began cackling to himself.


I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If it comes down to it, i don't own the premise of this story, either. Blame The First Line at LJ.

Assume for the moment that Ed can absorb cartoonish levels of violence.

* * *

The barn shook once, then collapsed. Hovering outside the doorway, which was the last part left standing, Roy and Al tensed all over and stood perfectly still. 

"Ed?" Roy called hesitantly, heart pounding.

"Ed?" Al echoed.

A wind blew in off the river. The doorway leaned ominously toward them, but before they had a chance to backpedal furiously to safety, it changed course and instead collapsed onto the pile of rubble, which had been starting to twitch.

"…Ed"  
. Ed and Al both clapped, and with arcs of blue light and a strong smell of ozone, the barn began to reform itself as something like a cross between a train caboose and a small satanic chapel. They heaved open the door, which was sprouting all sorts of ghastly contorted faces, and found Ed on the floor, scratched and bloodied and cackling to himself.

Al approached him like you would approach a robber with a semi-automatic and a bank full of hostages.

"Okay, that's enough, brother," he said, taking slow steps toward him. "The barn is very sorry it hurt you, and I promise it'll never do it again…. wow, you're sure bleeding a lot."

"Just let me finish the gargoyles," Ed replied faintly, and started giggling again as he began inscribing things into the floor. Roy squinted at it. 'I want to… oh, that's just lewd.'

"Fullmetal!" he said, in his Very Serious voice.

"Fuck you," Ed replied without looking at him, and decided that what the barn could really use were some windows.

"Well," Roy said. "Nice to know that reflex still works."

"Maybe we should leave him," Al said, and was instantly horrified with himself.

"He'll probably pass out if he bleeds too much more." Roy sighed. "On three?"

"I guess we better."

On three, they seized Ed around the waist and hauled him away from his transmutation. The front of the barn sprouted a large phallus, and the whole thing sighed in a very unsettling way. They ran for the hills.

They made it all the way to the bathroom hallway before Ed realized what was happening and started to flail.

"AH! PUT ME DOWN YOU SON OF A-"

Roy managed to avoid the automail limbs, but the drywall wasn't as lucky. Al nearly got a metal toe up his nose, and yelled, "STOP MOVING, YOU IDIOT!", which surprised him enough to get him into the bathroom and properly arranged on top of the toilet.

"Traitor," he muttered belatedly, while Roy peered at him and pulled his bangs out of his face to look for the cut that was trickling blood down between Ed's eyes and off the end of his nose.

"You have the worst luck of anyone I've ever met," Roy told him, blotting at it with a wet washcloth while Al went to find the first-aid kit.

Ed sniffed piteously. Roy gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, and began wiping the dirt out of the scratches and scrapes on his left arm.

Al reappeared in the doorway with an armful of gauze bandages and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide.

Ed looked at Roy and swallowed. "I love you," he said.

Roy looked at Al. "Think he's concussed?"

"Or just being a huge baby." Al dumped the bandages onto the counter and began unscrewing the lid of the peroxide.

"Al hates me," Ed said, "Don't listen to him."

"Your cuts are going to get infected and gross and then you'll get puss all over the furniture."

"See?"

"It'll hurt a lot worse that this."

"You think that's bad, you should see what happens when I jump out the window to get away!"

Roy quickly put himself between Ed and his means of escape.

Al advanced on him slowly, holding a wet wad of gauze out in front of him. A single drop fell to the floor and fizzed violently. Ed gulped and backed into a corner.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

* * *

Later, as he cleared up the dishes from the excellent pie Al had made to win back his favor, an exhausted and heavily bandaged Ed caught a glimpse of the barn out the kitchen window. He laughed, spluttered, hit his head on the cabinet, and called, "AL!" 

"What?" Al replied petulantly from the next room over.

"What the hell did you do to the barn?"

"What did I do to the barn?"

"It looks like a huge fire hydrant!"

"Yeah, a fire hydrant with gargoyles on top of it. You'd better take down the one that looks like Winry before she sees it, by the way."

"Fuck that."

"Your appetite for blunt trauma is incredible."

"Shuttup."

Ed went into the living room and lay down on the couch next to Roy, where he knew he could get a kiss and a head rub, and slept for three blissful hours before he was awoken with a wrench to the head.


End file.
